I’ve always loved college, as in truly and deeply cared about my classes, work and extracurriculars.
Being present for every aspect of my day to day responsibilities — especially at the beginning of the semester — remained extremely important to me.
However, when my nanna passed away during the second week of the fall semester, it all seemed so trivial.
While I was focused on planning out my week and adding assignments to my calendar, she died.
I always thought I’d have this gut feeling, like my world would shift, but I didn’t. Everything felt the same as it once did, only heavier once I heard the news.
My classes, assignments and internships seemed like the most pointless things in the world, and I was angry at how distracted I had become.
In the days following her death, I simply couldn’t fathom completing tasks like homework, with my mind constantly elsewhere.
However, as an academic perfectionist, I found it impossible to ignore my responsibilities for days at a time.
Grief doesn’t fit neatly into a college routine.
I tucked my feelings away and kept pressing on. I completed assignments on time, I worked from home and I returned to classes as quickly as I could.
In the quiet, though, I realized this tactic was futile.
I was repressing these emotions, this entire kaleidoscope of memories I had with her, and for what? In order to not inconvenience others?
Grief cannot be ignored in order to not slightly disrupt the lives of those around you.
The truth is, college is not designed to pause for loss.
Deadlines continue to loom, emails flood inboxes and class moves on despite absences.
Friends help in any way they can, but they are also balancing multiple jobs and a demanding course schedule.
Life on campus keeps moving at its relentless pace, whether or not you’re ready to rejoin it.
Despite these facts, grief is simply not a task you can check off your to-do list or something to pencil into your calendar.
It follows you onto your way to class, to your internship and as you grab a coffee on campus.
It lingers when you’re trying to prepare for a presentation, and you suddenly remember that you can’t call and tell her how you did.
I’ve come to understand that grieving in college often requires balancing both worlds at once.
College may be an inconvenient place to grieve, but really, are there truly convenient circumstances for loss?
Allow yourself to feel, even when it feels as if the world around you is pushing you forward.
Kaitlyn Fleming can be contacted at [email protected].
