Growing up, I remember being told by my best friend after I came out that I was “one of the good ones.” Even though I didn’t think of it at the time at the age of 12, I realized that prejudice is prejudice, regardless of how you phrase it. We aren’t friends anymore.
This didn’t break our friendship at the time, but now, at the age of 21, it makes me think of how common it is for people to unconsciously walk with prejudice—even if they don’t realize it.
Being queer in Appalachia has not been a walk in the park. I’ve faced a fair share of slurs thrown at me in a parking lot, quiet snickering and dirty looks, but what stings the most are the people who accept others conditionally.
It’s one thing for someone to be a hateful bigot, but it’s another thing to receive a level of care and affection from a person just for them to say, “you are one of the good ones,” meaning if you do not fit within “their” level of comfort, you are dirt.
It may sound harsh, but it’s true. And as a young, queer person you might enjoy the title and get a kick out of it for a while but eventually you won’t be a good one. When you decide to kiss your partner on the cheek on a bus, when you wear a pride T-shirt , when you have your pronouns listed in your email signature, when you decide to be who you truly are—you won’t be a good one anymore.
Writer and activist Alexander Leon said in a post on X, “Queer people don’t grow up as ourselves, we grow up playing a version of ourselves that sacrifices authenticity to minimize humiliation and prejudice. The massive task of our adult lives is to unpick which parts of ourselves are truly us and which parts we’ve created to protect us.”
This post by Leon captures the idea that queer people are not always the same version of themselves that they once were. This alternate self that is born out of protection, in my opinion, is who people think “the good ones” are.
However, I think as the years go by, queer people have started to pick away the pieces they’ve created for their own protection and people aren’t as uncomfortable.
According to the Pew Research Center, “In 2004, 31% of Americans supported it, while 60% opposed. By 2015, 55% supported same-sex marriage, while 39% opposed. And support has continued to grow: In 2023, 63% of Americans expressed support for same-sex marriage.”
The Pew Research Center continued to survey queer people and their thoughts on social changes throughout the beginning of 2025.
The organization found mixed views on social acceptance for a variety of groups, but an increase in acceptance towards same-sex couples after the 2015 Obergefell decision that legalized same-sex marriage. Though the organization has reported an increase in acceptance towards same-sex marriage, we still see a majority of queer people being the subjects of jokes or slurs.
The Pew Research Center said, “Majorities of gay or lesbian adults (73%) and transgender adults (68%) say they have been subject to slurs or jokes because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Transgender adults are about twice as likely as gay or lesbian adults to say this has happened to them recently – that is, in the 12 months prior to the survey (42% vs. 22%).”
According to the center, 70% percent of transgender people have feared for their safety and about half of gay adults said the same.
In 2023, this fear echoed throughout the United States.
In their 2024 report regarding violence toward transgender and genderqueer individuals, the Human Rights Campaign said 2023 was the first time the campaign had ever declared in their history a national state of emergency for LGBTQ+ Americans.
According to the Human Rights Campaign, “2023 also saw the highest number of anti-LGB and anti-trans and gender-expansive hate crimes reported by the FBI to date. Over 2,800 hate crimes were recorded against LGBTQ+ people in 2023, accounting for almost one in four (22.8%) of all hate crimes recorded that year. A total of 542 of these incidents were gender identity-motivated hate crimes committed against transgender (n=393) and gender-expansive (n=149) people, accounting for over 4% of all hate crimes recorded in that year.”
If we look back a year, hate continues. Discomfort continues.
According to the HRC and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation organization, “Since the start of 2022, GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, an LGBTQ+ media advocacy org) has recorded over 1,850 incidents of anti-LGBTQ+ violence, including bomb threats to gender-affirming healthcare providers and children’s hospitals; property damage and arson to LGBTQ+ centers, businesses and bars; anti-LGBTQ+ protests and gatherings against venues that host drag events or school libraries offering gender-inclusive, age-appropriate readings; assaults against LGBTQ+ people and allies and more.”
It’s scary. I won’t lie. It’s terrifying to be a queer person right now. It’s scary to refer to my boyfriend as my boyfriend rather than my partner. It’s scary to hold his hand in public. It’s scary to kiss him in public.
But, I do it.
Change is happening in the world and in the United States, as the statistics have reported. Even though fear may constantly be on your heels, never be a “good one.”
There will be times when you might have to let them think you are to protect yourself, but never stop finding the pieces of yourself. Never stop acknowledging prejudice, regardless of if it’s against you or not. Live with hope.
Soleil Woolard can be contacted at [email protected]
